lolwut

Oh. Hmm. Yep.

Well, next best thing to a new Knife album, I guess.

Instead of doing homework Monday night, I decided to look around for sites that could 'cartoonify' me. Swell idea. Eventually, I came upon a site that lets you make Miis and---DAMN, IT'S BJÖRK!

DAMN, IT'S ME!
I'm a cutie even in Mii form, huh?

Here's a deliciously dark remix for you:
Download< "Cover Me" (Plaid Mix) (Wikisend) (Link expired)
You can visit the Mii-site here.

Ready for da cold.

There’s nothing better than coming home after a long week, checking my Squid Can ‘updates’ email, and finding this:

After nearly two decades writing and recording some of her generation’s most emotionally powerful music, Tori Amos will release her first seasonal album, Midwinter Graces, on November 10 via Universal Republic.”

Woah. Did I read that right? A Tori Amos seasonal album? Complete with goofy cover art and songs that may possibly be more astoundingly bad-slash-good than “Police Me”? Oh, but here’s the best part—there are original songs. Pretend I just whispered that in your ear. You can’t yell shit like that aloud. This is sensitive information. Nobody else can know about new, sure-to-be-classics like “Jeanette, Isabella” and “Pink and Glitter.”

Okay, I kid, but will I buying this? Haha, no. Until I hear samples, this is barred from my Valhalla-sized “Stuff to buy” list. Even if it has been “40 years in the making.”

Also, you may have noticed that, as of late, I’ve been adding little blocks of interesting links to the bottom of each news post. Occasionally I may expand one of those links into a short blurb. This is one of those occasions. Also, I should be watching The Office on [adult swim] right now. But I needs some sleep.

Read this: “Rape Fantasies” by Margaret Atwood
(Read at Scribd ) A grim yet entirely intriguing title, isn’t it? In this (very) short story, Atwood uses her typically hyper-caustic wit and humor to cut swaths across a recurring fantasy for modern females. You’ll laugh, but you’ll also ponder what Atwood is trying to say about the nature of gender and communication.

Mp3: “Fire Ant” by Space Ghost (sort of)
Next album review: The Phoenix Demos by Kate Bush (Tomorrow)

Watch this: Music video for “Lily” by Kate Bush (YT)
Daily bargain: Moderat by Moderat ($5.49 at Lala)
Cool beans: "Matthew’s non theme based fancy dress party" (via 27b/6)
Sign of the endtimes: Guiding Light ends

Rah rah rah, go team.

Okay, the title of this post isn’t accurate or anything. Running isn’t fun. It’s painful and a little bit satisfying but it’s most primal and raw and it makes me even more existential than I usually am. But since I managed to lop about three-and-a-half minutes off my time at a meet yesterday, I decided to include with this post a nice little image of Ra Ra Riot. Nobody smiles like that at the finish line, and I haven’t heard anything from this band beyond a decent cover of Kate Bush’s “Suspended in Gaffa.” You can watch their version at YouTube, and if you’re more into indie rock kids than you are Kate Bush’s middle-aged, neo-Victorian theatricality, then you’ll enjoy it.

So, why am I posting today? Wednesdays are supposed to be holy days of non-posts. Well, I was busy last night. And I felt like posting something here, especially after my classmates (and even my teacher, geesh) were like, “OH MY GOD, YOU NEED TO GET A FACEBOOK. WE’LL HELP YOU GET ONE.”

Huh. So, in the news. It’s okay that a young woman was murdered and that more people are concerned over Taylor Swift. Totally fine. Do I need to put sarcasm tags here? Kanye West is an ass. This is news? Of course, it’s understandable that people gravitate towards celebrities. Unimportant drama is a lot easier to digest than the realization that are very sick people in the world. On the same note, though, people should not be getting all fussed about President Obama’s comment towards Kanye. It was an off-the-record remark—and a totally warranted, correct one at that. The President does not need to be discussing ‘srs bizness’ all of the time, just as we regular folks should not ignore the dark and the real in place of glitzy, ridiculously dressed celebs 24/7.

Well, those are my thoughts for the day. Depressing, pointless, and boring as always, huh? And it’d be nice if you keep Annie Le in mind this week.

Mp3: “Tangent” by Beth Orton
Next album review: The Phoenix Demos by Kate Bush

Read this: “Heat” by H.D.
Watch this: “Hitler Finds out About Kanye West” by icepackz (Nws) (YT)

Daily bargain: Break Up by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson ($2.99 at Amazon Mp3)
Cool beans: Photobooth.net (an online directory of old-fashioned photobooths)
Sign of the endtimes: Drunk mom fondled on flight

Her only complaint: The bacon wasn't crispy
enough. Damn Oscar Mayer.

Oops! I missed my scheduled posts for Friday night. I ended up falling asleep at seven and I woke up at seven this morning. Hey, it takes a lot of sleep to bring you folks this much fantastic content. Or not.

Yesterday, the world’s oldest person—115-year-old Gertrude Baines—died. I’ve been following the ‘World’s Oldest’ chain since about 2007, and it’s something that I find just fascinating. There are weeks when you feel like the past seven days have been the most eventful of your life, and then you realize that one week is a pretty small unit of living. So, imagine someone who’s lived for over a hundred years—Baines was born in 1894. Her grandparents were slaves. She voted for President Obama, saying he’s “for the colored people.” The only other time she voted was for JFK. It’s majestic to live so long, but at the same time it’s a little frightening. I know I don’t want to much further past 65 or 70, because as far as I see it, why would I want to? But for those people who do live beyond 100, all I can think of is the variety of experiences they’ve had. A minute can transform your entire day, an hour your entire life. Just imagine living 115 years and experiencing thousands upon thousands of moments like that. Maybe I can’t explain it. I just find it stunning that anybody can do that much living.

Well, there’s my musing for the day. It’s raining today, so you can expect a few extra posts, maybe even the Friday Mp3 I missed yesterday. Otherwise, I’ll just be staying inside, wearing a sweater, eating soup, and contemplating whether or not I should order some Sylvia Plath oven mitts.

Mp3: “Kid For Today” by Boards Of Canada
Next album review: The Phoenix Demos by Kate Bush
Daily Bargain: Vivaldi’s Four Seasons performed by Izthak Perlman ($1.99 at Amazon Mp3)
Cool beans: CNN headline t-shirts
Sign of the Endtimes: Stephenie Meyer 'origin' comic book to be released (via Jezebel)

Hey, I calls em as I sees em.

I’m sure other people have noticed this, but isn’t every episode of Rugrats the same episode? Babies go on an adventure, Angelica is jealous and bitchy towards them, she tries to get them caught, she’s foiled and the babies are back in their pen. Nostalgia wise, it’s a fine show, but really—did we need one-hundred plus episodes of whatever the hell Didi Pickles was supposed to be? (For fun: Go to around 2:50 in this episode and note Didi’s incorrect prediction that disco would never return. Fucking Hercules and Love Affair.) While I hate to change my opinion from three lines up, my reviewing of these episodes makes me think they aren’t so bad. It’s basically Home Movies, except with babies and more poop humor. Pick your poison.

Other great moments in the ‘Garage Sale’ episode: Andrew Bird shopping at 0:26, Angelica being a conniving succubus at 2:00, “CHUCKY!” at 3:50, and lessons for da recession at 4:25.

See what happens when I try to post on a schedule? I post crap like this.

So what’s out today in music? Sondre Lerche’s new record is out, but at a steep $10 for the Mp3 album I don’t think I’ll be getting it anytime soon (you did listen to Didi Pickle’s recession speech as mentioned above, didn’t you?). You can also pick up A Fine Frenzy’s new album for $3.99 at Lala (don’t expect too much). Amie Street has some interesting bargains in Yo La Tengo and Nudge.

Well, that’s it. I got my post in for the day. They’ll be better once I get used to the daily schedule.

And, Christ, wasn’t this episode just gorgeous?

Mp3: “Good Luck” by Sondre Lerche (from Heartbeat Radio) (Alt. link)

Swimming is fun, Björk is devilspawn,
and hey, there's no Grizzly Bear in
this post

Hmm, news? Do I have any? I do, actually. Let’s see. There’s a crop of new albums coming in late August/September, and I might as well tell you now before I forget.

Exciting
-Out today: Luke Vibert (why was I not informed until this morning? Oh, that’s right, everything on this site was reported on other sites two years ago. Say, anybody hear about that new Radiohead ‘pay what you want’ thing?)
-Aug. 25: Imogen Heap and Shonen Knife
-Sept. 8: Sondre Lerche and Pete Yorn + Scarlett Johansson (very excited for both; no joke)
-Sept. 16: Midaircondo (No word yet on a US release)

Interesting
-Out today: George Strait, Raekwon, Anna Ternheim, Queen Latifah and Patrick Wolf
-Aug. 18: Reba McEntire and Jay Reatard
-Aug. 25: Woody Guthrie (massive compilation from Rounder)
-Sept. 8: Amerie and Yo La Tengo
-Sept. 15: Mariah Carey
-Sept. 22: Why?, They Might Be Giants, and Porcupine Tree

Nobody cares
-Out today: Cobra Starship
-Aug. 18: Lil’ Wayne
-Aug 25: Arctic Monkeys
-Sept. 8: Vivian Girls
-Sep. 14: Muse (album is actually titled The Resistance)
-Sep. 22: Madonna (shoddy greatest hits collection)
-Sep. 29: La Roux (Her hair is slick, but, eh)

So, more news, more news. Last Wednesday, I went with my aunt and cousin to a snazzy swim club and I finally got the meaning of [adult swim] (bear with me). Most obviously, it’s the few hours in the Cartoon Network pool that adults get to enjoy—but, hey, that idea’s been violated by every twelve-year old watching FLCL (myself, admittedly, many moon kingdoms ago). But more importantly, [adult swim] lets adults play in the pool and act like total idiots, tongue-in-cheek—a sentiment shows like Squidbillies and ATHF clearly embody. But, hey, enough serious business. Besides, all the adults at this swim club were all Squidwards about it, and they opted not to go in the water. And while I’m of adult swim age (so lulzy-it’s-painful, amirite?), I was too busy listening to my shitty music to care. Which brings me to this—my recommendations of the week.  read more »

I didn't really have anything planned to post tonight, but I did want to post something, so here's some unrelated stuff you might enjoy.

Musics
Mp3: "The Spinning Heart of the Yo-Yo Lobby" by United Nations
Mp3: "Someday" by Maini Sorri
Mp3: "human porkchop" by Scissor Shock

Dealz
Matt & Kim, Grand, $5 at Amazon Mp3
Gang Gang Dance, Sainy Dymphna, $5.99 at Lala
Lisa Hannigan, Sea Sew, $2.99 at Amie Street
The Barbarellas, Queen Of The Galaxy, $1.84 at Amie Street
Kate Bush, The Sensual World, $4.99 at Amazon Mp3 (added 7/27)

(I've only heard Grand so far personally, but the following two acts are supposed to be pretty decent as well. Also, the Lisa Hannigan album went missing. While I was posting this. And the Barbarellas cover just looked interesting. )

Lulz; News

[adult swim's] most awkward Comic Con moments
Sarah Palin countdown clock (What?) (via Jezebel)
New Madonna album art (is unsurprisingly trendy and bland)
AT&T incites shitstorm by banning 4Chan

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE'S DEAD???

CAN YOU BELIEVE that this is selling for $8,000? (Bjork will buy it.)

Large version
Oh, and just some trolling in the garden

But oh, what a cruel world. No Jacko. No Billy Mays. No Farrah Fawcett. No Ed McMahon. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Some Angelo Badalamenti to ail our aching hearts, folks.

Download "Barbershop" (via Drop.io)

Not to brag, folks, but wow—what a great day I’m having! Well, up until losing the draft of this post that I had been working back on forth on for two hours, but whatever. Things are simply too Grizz to get me down. I imagine this is what Jorge Luis Borges woke up feeling like everyday. “Aargh, where will I be cool and postmodern today?” Last night was actually sort of a family ‘crisis’, hence I ended up babysitting my cousin. Around bedtime, he wanted to play catch, so I put some Autechre on before I said to myself, “Wut?” I promptly rectified the problem by playing the latest Lullatone. That ending up helping, as he fell asleep to the half-Japanese duo’s raindrop-like beats. When my aunt came home, she was like, ‘lol Yanni’, but hey, dat Lullatone—they can lull dem kids to sleep. When I wasn’t subjecting my young cousin to Ambient 101, I watched some TV. I managed to catch the abysmal Spy Kids 3, which, as it happens, stars Elijah Wood in a minor role. I looked up his biography again, and apparently, he likes Aphex Twin? He even has a favorite song? You can browse his celebrity playlist at ElijahNet (not joking; that’s the actual website name). I also managed to catch Destroy Build Destroy, its host being none other than ANDREW W.K. So all you partay ppl go watch that right now.

Yet today was seven times better than playing around to EP7. Things got off to a good start at the local Girl Scouts-sponsored thrift sale at the local soup kitchen, where I snagged legal, older versions—I’m talking fresh codes and all—of PhotoShop, Illustrator, and InDesign for under a buck. Three years ago, I would have blown my top over something like this, but now I’m just content with the fact that I probably saved over $2,000. I haven’t been much into making art as of late, but now that I have Illustrator, who knows? Maybe I can draw some Egon Schiele/Robert Mapplethorpe hybrid-nudes or something. What really put a smile on my face was the pair of vintage children’s keyboards I got for a buck a piece. Pics coming soon. I know you wanna see ‘em.

Afterwards, I went to the consignment shop (I had to walk across the parking lot, in my new Grizzly Bear tee; but don’t worry, guyz, even though it’s a black shirt I wasn’t hot cuz da design is printed on an American Apparel track shirt, fyi), where a nice man chatted with me about vinyl. “Ya collect vinyl?” he asked. “No, I need a record player first,” I said. “Looking for an old one?” he asked. “ Old or new. Whatever works,” I said. “Yeah, I like vinyl,” he said. I like little conversations like that (a woman at the bus stop the other day started discussing the Pixies with me).

Then, returning to the Girl Scout sale again, I bought some books (like I need more), and, even better, EVEN BETTER—a Troll piggy bank with pink hair (1991, thus semi-vintage). And by ‘Troll’ I mean ‘troll doll’—the oft-unclothed creatures with hair in RADICAL, NON-CONFORMIST COLORS! Not web trolls or Harry Potter trolls or IRL-trolls (see: beastly-people), but fun trolls—the kind that Mimi used to have on Drew Carey’s show (thanks, WikiPedia). So I washed my Troll, shampooed his hair, et cetera, and then I combed his hair on the outside porch, hoping some cute girls would come by. “HaHoHa,” one would laugh, before saying, “Mayhaps that be your troll?” To which I would respond, “Verily, my troll this be.” She would eye the troll one more time before approving of him. “A good trollkeeper you are,” she would say, and then move on. But that didn’t happen.

Finally, when I got home, my BoC tee was waiting in the mail. It’s extra skinny fit for a pseudo-Biafran such as myself. So, as of now, life under the sea is pretty decent. What’s that song about life in the sea? Well, it’s not this song.

Download "Bats Over the Pacific Ocean" by Jaguar Love (via Matador)

Dear Pitchfork/Stereogum/Gorilla Vs. Bear/Other crappy hipster blogs,

I dunno. I just dunno anymore. I mean, I was all excited when I heard Neko Case was going to be on Conan. I mean, Conan, and Neko? On the same stage? At the same time? Sounds good, right? I figured that she would be performing "This Tornado Loves You," since that's probably the strongest cut on the album, and I...I was just...happy, about the whole thing. And then when the song starts, it is "This Tornado Loves You". But something seemed amiss, even in the first few seconds. And then this happened:

Oh, what should I do? I mean, you see what happened here, right? Everything was mixed wrong and Neko just wasn't singing all that well. But, who should I confide in? A trusted adult? A teacher? A minister? Please, shitty hipster blogs, help me in my dilemma. I don't want to end up like Wavves. Crying on dat stage. In dat Barcelona. At dat 'raddest independent music festival.' So please, help me to restore my hope in Neko Case. I still believe in Neko, and I still believe in you!

Sincerely,
A concerned Neko Case fan

P.S. Pitchfork, thank you for finding this. Really.

STOP IT. STOP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

Run to the nearest newsstand, magazine store, doctor's office, whatever, and get a copy of the latest issue of Time, because moot, Lord of 4chan, has been selected as one Time's 100 Most Influential People.

If you didn't rush to the newspaper trolley to get a copy of this article because you were too busy crafting lolicore songs from TLC vocal samples circa "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" and/or trolling the Pokemon ROM-hacking community, then you can read up on the article from practically every interwebs news-source ever. You can read about it here, here, and here. But if you want the full effect, then you really should pick up the Time issue. Nothing can prepare you for the moment when, thumbing through the list of political and economic greats, you land on a page where moot's god-forsaken face is accompanied by an explanatory paragraph penned by Rick Astley.

I think I just had meme-induced cardiac arrest. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

P.S. Speaking of Slowpoke---Jesus, can't those damned Wapanese leave anything alone? Must their pocky-crumb-covered fingers mutilate everything?

See that album art? Damien Hirst made that. Isn't it just gorgeous? All the mega-postmodern britholes seem to think so. Says the Hypebeast: "With album art at an all-time low, leave it to Damien Hirst to inject some life into the dying artform with a contest done in conjunction with British band, The Hours."

Really? Really? Album art is at an "all-time low?" Since when? I'm pretty sure Neko Case and Animal Collective had some pretty snazzy covers. Super Furry Animals, Trophy Scars, The Boy Least Likely To, and Los Fabulosos Cadillacs have also sported some fine album covers. This is shitty album art; it looks like any shitty album cover for any shitty indie rock band.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just take all the Damien Hirst fans and lock them up? Send 'em off to a big corral, where they could "Ooo" and "Ahh" at their dead shark and cow art? Too bad that's a 'physical impossibility.'

Here, folks, is the largest (track-wise) Squid Can mixtape yet, all to accommodate this, The Curious Incident of Jefferson Lickitung. Enjoy.

Mr. Jefferson Lickitung and his wife, Ms. Lydia Lickitung, exited the theatre with their children. Billy Lickitung spoke up.

"I didn't like that opera," he said, "I had no idea what they were saying."

"You don't have to know the language to enjoy the show," said Lydia Lickitung, although she would confess, if given the chance, her less-than-favorable attitude towards Berg.

According to the Law of the Lickitung Patriarchy, however, the entertainment to be seen by the family was to chosen according to the man's taste; and Jefferson Lickitung was one hell of a sucker for early twentieth-century atonal opera.

Jefferson Lickitung's mind was preoccupied by more troublesome thoughts as they exited the opera. The previous week he had supported big science and signed the Fruit Neogenesis Bill, enraging his opponent, Mikhail Nosepass, who felt that matters of botany should be left to God.

Sally Lickitung laughed at her brother's cowlick, prompting her mother to turn around and reprimand her. As Lydia Lickitung unrolled her tongue to straighten out her son's mussed hair, an attacker veiled in the darkness of Mother Night appeared.

"VENGEANCE DROOLS, MOTHERLICKER!!!" cried the cloaked assailant, brandishing a vintage glock and proceeding to aim it straight at Jefferson Lickitung's head.

"NO!" shrieked Jefferson Lickitung, "I'M NOT SYNTHESIZER!!!"

But it was too late. Jefferson Lickitung had been shot. A bullet-shaped hole was in his head. Oh, and a bullet, too.

The attacker scurried off, screaming, "ANTI-FEDERALISTS FOREVER!"

Lydia Lickitung rushed to her dying husband's side.

"O! Speak to me!" she said.
"Lean closer," said Jefferson Lickitung.
"Yes?" said Lydia Lickitung.
"There's a cloud on my tongue," he said.
"What?"
"Don't you know?" said Jefferson Lickitung with his dying breath, "Lickitungs void their mouth bowels when they die."

Lydia found in the mouth of her husband---sure enough--- a cloud of saliva. She wept, and felt as if there were a sun in her mouth---a sun of white hot fury; a fury stronger than Wagner's hatred of the Jews.

FIN.

Wow. That was so postmodern it even pissed me off. In all honesty, though, this is a fun mixtape. Please do enjoy it.

Download the Mixtape

1. You Don't Have to Know the Language by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters
2. Act 3, Scene 2 from Wozzeck by Alban Berg
3. Taste by Animal Collective
4. Big Science by Laurie Anderson
5. Left to God by Mieka Pauley
6. Lick by Boards Of Canada
7. Vengeance Drools by Chris Clark (aka Clark)
8. I'm Not Synthesizer by Boredoms
9. Cloud on My Tongue by Tori Amos
10. Sun in My Mouth by Bjork

You know what? I never blog about little ole me. It's always "Animal Collective this" or "Postmodern feminism that" or "Bjork Bjork Bjork such and such." So for once, why not a little something about the face behind the squid?

So I'm in New Hampshire for a doctor's appointment, and as I type this IMMA LIVEBLOGGIN FROM PANERA CAFE. YEAHHH, FEEL THE INTERWEBS AGE.

Anyhow, I went to Borders and was browsing The Brothers Karamazov (pretentious douche much?) when I saw I Love You Beth Cooper right beneath it, and I said to myself, "Why?"

Well, actually, I guess that's it. I'm more boring than I thought. Here's an mp3 and a video. Back to writing postmodern reviews of Beth Orton records.*

*Just kidding, I'll leave that to Pitchfork.

Download "Down Satan Down" by Alec Empire (via Megaupload)

Being a cartoon aficionado means that I often watch Cartoon Network and the like. It also means that I often sit through numerous shitty commercials, each one making me wonder, "What can top this, the seeming-pinnacle of all things shitty?" But one commercial has silenced that debate. No longer do I say to myself, "Is this the worst commercial on children's televsion, at this moment, on this fortnight?" No. Normally, webjunk does not enrage me thus, but this...this is SO BAD (Full rant after the jump).  read more »

Really, Mizz Spears? You can't be a bit more subtle? It'd be nice to see a music video where everyone would look straight out of a Magritte painting, with bowlers and all that classy shit. Oh, and everyone would be wearing a hood.

O, but hey, srsly guyz---Britney is just as smart as dose painters amirite i mean lewk Professor YouDouche has explained to us how this vid is a scathing critique of suburbia.

OMFG I NEVAR KNEW SUBURBIA WAS HYPOCRITICAL---QUICK; SOMEBODY CALL DON DELILLO

More fine selections such as the one above at your local YouTube. Video after the jump.  read more »

After last Tuesday's (mostly) exciting picks, one can only browse today's releases and shrug their shoulders at the crap-cloud pluming before them. Here's what out today: Chris Cornell's new solo album (which is getting bad reviews even from Amazon customers), new Kelly Clarkson (don't care), more from Madeleine Peyroux (pretty sure I don't care), the debut LP from YouTube 'comedian' Bo Burnham (really don't care), and a bunch of other shit I've never heard of. Really, if you want to see what's out then just check out Amazon Mp3, as I'm pretty much in the dark on these new releases.

On Amie Street: 'quirky' pop from some girl who looks like Antony Hegarty, Kooks-esque indie rock by the Kinetiks, and ambient from Tim Hecker.

Really, this is just a depressing new music Tuesday. Here's a completely unrelated video to entertain you in the meanwhile.

Okay, I can tolerate Lady Gaga. Hell, I even like this song. But could Duchess Gaga be any more of a jackass in this video? First of all, what is with the futurist motif going on here? Didn't TLC do that like ten years ago with their "No Creeps" video or whatever it was?*

For a song called "Poker Face" there's certainly potential for some sort of cabaret theme; but no, instead Countess Gaga opts for random dogs, jilted robotic gyrating, skin-tight blue outfits (from the future), and one attractive half-naked person (skip to 2:44, gals---and guys, since I'm guessing a lot of un-museducated gay men have Lady Gaga spinnin' on the way to work).

Finally, Baroness Gaga's rap in the middle is just atrocious. "I won't tell you that I love you/Kiss or hug you/Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin." Can we put a moratorium on using the word 'muffin' for sexual innuendos? We can easily replace it with another baked good. I nominate the napoleon.

*LOLOL, just kidding; I like TLC.